I can tuck mytits in my pants
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
