You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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