The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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