Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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