Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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