he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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