so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
