believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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