I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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