Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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