had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
