Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
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