I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
