I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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