So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Randomize
