girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
