well I can't set my house on fire every night
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
