I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you didnt know i had herpes?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize
