booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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