John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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