My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
