we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I have tasted many bathrooms
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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