I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize