My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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