I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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