It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
