that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
