Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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