Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
