hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
