There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
