I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
