My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
