i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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