Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
