I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
