ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
