i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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