Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
