you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
