Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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