Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
