so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize