The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
