Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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