He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
