Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
there is puke in my bra ... again
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