I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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