Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
