and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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