My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
