Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
