the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
