i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
